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Posts Tagged ‘stuff I wrote’

Blogception: Casually Pepper Spraying Polar Bear

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

The holiday magic continues!

It’s day five of the Occupy North Pole movement and tensions have increased with disturbing reports of excessive force by the Polar Bear Police Department. The most shocking report to emerge thus far pertains to a group of elf apprentices who had peacefully assembled on Candy Cane Lane. Disturbing images from the scene show the Polar Bear Police department casually and deliberately using peppermint spray on these unarmed protestors.

Don't mace me bro!

Despite growing outrage over the conduct of the Polar Bear Police Department, Santa has yet to release an official statement and refuses to meet with us. Those with inside knowledge of Santa’s workshop say Santa is keeping an active list of protestors he has deemed “naughty” and may soon call for the removal of all makeshift igloos and gingerbread houses from his property.

Blogception: How to Spot a Penguin

Monday, December 19th, 2011

Blog posts are always more fun to write when you add penguins into the mix.

As Occupy North Pole works to regroup and rebuild our encampment following Santa’s midnight raid, protesters from the frontlines of ONP are reporting troubling news. Penguins posing as agent provocateurs are infiltrating the ONP movement in order to incite violence and turn public opinion against ONP. Here are a few easy tips to help you identify agent penguins in your midst:

How to Spot a Penguin:

Penguins are native to the southern hemisphere and are not found in the North Pole. Ask your suspected penguin where he/she grew up. Mention you have a sister who lives there. If the penguin looks startled, press for more details.

Ask your suspected penguin to demonstrate its ability to fly. A real penguin will quickly change the subject or cite an “old protesting injury.”

Casually mention to your suspected penguin that you don’t think Morgan Freeman is a particularly talented narrator. All penguins revere Morgan Freeman and a true penguin will most likely “come at you, bro.

 

 

Engage your penguin in a discussion of current operating systems. Penguins will insist that Linux is the world’s most popular OS despite evidence to the contrary.

Penguins typically insist on formal attire. Occasionally a penguin will attempt to conceal its identity by donning a brightly colored sweater. Do not be fooled.

When penguins hit the bottle, they hit it hard.

 

Blogception: Reindeer Union Joins ONP

Tuesday, December 13th, 2011

Writing copy for fake news crawlers is way more fun that it should be.

Occupy North Pole is proud to announce, that the Reindeer Union is officially joining the ONP movement in solidarity with the elves. Led by Rudolph Reindeer, the RU called a press conference this morning to declare their support for ONP. Reports from Santa’s ice mansion say that members of the RU have already joined protesters and temporary barns are beginning to dot the landscape. Watch Sam the Snowman interview Rudolph about the announcement below.

Blogception: Move Your Cookies Day

Sunday, December 11th, 2011

Too big to crumble!

Move Your Cookies Day

For too long Santa has held a monopoly on the North Pole’s cookie stash. Not only does Santa’s cookie stash account for 87.7% of the total North Pole cookie supply, but many of us also willingly choose to store the few cookies we have in Santa’s pantry. We’re beholden not only to his schedule and storage preferences, but to sugar and flour fees that serve no other purpose than to further bolster Santa’s cookie supplies.

 

Too Big To Crumble

When Santa’s pantry was beset by high humidity levels, who was it that suffered? Elves who had spent their lifetimes diligently saving their cookies thinking they’d be there when they were hungry found nothing but a soggy, inedible mess. Santa’s cookie stash was deemed “too big to crumble” and so it was Ma and Pa elf who bore the brunt of the loss—not Santa.

 

Join Your Local Cookie Storehouse

Occupy North Pole is calling for a regional Move Your Cookie Day to take back our cookies and take back our power! Move your cookies from Santa’s pantry into your neighborhood cookie storehouse. This brings our cookies out of Santa’s ice mansion and puts them back where they belong—our community. Contact your local cookie storehouse today to learn more about their no-fee storage options and elf-friendly policies.

Blogception: Occupy North Pole Makes Headlines

Friday, December 9th, 2011

The news ticker is a personal favorite.

Occupy North Pole Makes Headlines

The Occupy North Pole movement is beginning to gain traction with the local media! Sam the Snowman from the North Pole News Network was down at ONP today reporting on the movement. Watch the full report below.

Blogception: Occupy North Pole

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Blogs are so easy to write when you don’t have to worry about silly old facts. Here’s my introductory blog post from my company’s holiday site. Fight the power!

 

We are Occupy North Pole

Welcome to Occupy North Pole’s home on the World Wide Web. We are a leaderless movement bound by the common goal of reducing the inequality of cookie distribution between dedicated, hard-working elves and fat-cat cookie hoarder, Santa Claus.

 

A History of Cookie Inequality

Santa works just one night a year and reaps the reward of 364 days of elf labor, collecting plate after plate of delicious homemade cookies. Santa did not earn these cookies on his own; rather his cookie stash has been built from the efforts of untold numbers of North Pole elves.

Data from the Christmas Budget Office (CBO) shows that cookie inequality has skyrocketed over the years. From 1992-2007, Santa saw his cookie supply increase 392%; and today, Santa’s cookie stash accounts for a staggering 87.7% of the total North Pole cookie supply. Santa’s cookie stash has grown 10 times faster than the cookie supply of the bottom 99% of North Pole residents.

 

We are the 99%

In today’s troubled economic times, the disparity between Santa’s cookie stash and the pathetic crumbs left to us elves cannot stand! We call on our arctic brethren to Occupy the North Pole to protest rampant cookie inequality and demand change!

Blogception: Occpy North Pole

Friday, December 2nd, 2011

After waiting until the last possible minute to think of an idea for the company’s holiday site, we decided to go with the option that was the most involved and time consuming…at least for the designers. Suckers! Turns out that the most difficult part about writing fun, made up blog posts is trying not to get distracted and read the entire wikipedia article on polar bears. In related news, polar bears don’t show up on infrared cameras. The more you know.

 

Studiobanks Selected as Digital Agency of Record for Occupy North Pole

CHARLOTTE, NC — Charlotte-based digital agency, Studiobanks, has been selected to serve as the digital agency of record for the newly formed Occupy North Pole movement. Occupy North Pole (ONP) is a leaderless protest movement aimed at bringing awareness and reform to the arctic’s widespread inequality of cookie distribution.

The new website www.occupy-northpole.com will feature daily updates from the ONP movement and allow ONP to provide information, tips and news to its followers. In addition to designing the ONP website, Studiobanks will provide social media integration to allow ONP to expand its reach. “When ONP approached us, we were more than happy to donate our services to the cause,” said Banks Wilson, president and creative director of Studiobanks. “Studiobanks has long been pro-cookie and we’re honored to have been chosen to bring awareness to the paucity of cookies in the elf community.”

Chandler Wobble, de facto spokes-elf for the ONP movement, commended Studiobanks’ steadfast commitment to the cause. Said Wobble, “From the very beginning, Studiobanks showed a level of interest we didn’t expect from a non-arctic agency. They wanted to know more about what kinds of cookies were involved, how many featured frosting, and the overall sprinkle situation. They were really hungry for this account.”

Known for producing memorable, high quality work that creates buzz and delivers exceptional results for its clients, Studiobanks is an award-winning digital agency with a steadfast appreciation for all things cookie. For more information, please visit www.studiobanks.com.

Blogception: The Battle of Tremont Hall

Friday, October 28th, 2011

This one was super fun to write…

Studiobanks tore it up at the AAF Dodgeball Ex-scare-aganza this year! And by tore it up, we mean that pizza buffet did not know what hit it. We were ruthless and quite literally very hungry. We actually didn’t place all that well when it came to the tournament, but you know, A for effort and all that.

This year we went full on Web design nerd and did a group costume with each team member dressed as one number in the hexidecimal value for Studiobanks orange. A hexidecimal value, or hex value (super appropriate for Halloween), is the color code developers use to specify colors when they’re programming Web pages. Geeked out? Yes. But also highly on trend. Orange was THE color to be seen in at the tournament.

We ended up winning our first match after a heated exchange with the ref (mostly on Banks’ part) and then lost the other two matches due to black magic and climate change. Some people might say the losses were directly attributable to the laws of physics and/or gravity. But if AP Physics taught me anything, it’s that I don’t understand physics. The real victory was that none of us got hit in the face. Success! All you other dodgeball teams better watch out next year because we are going to BRING.IT. and totally not get hit in the face again. AWWWW YEAH!

I Like G+ and I Cannot Lie…

Wednesday, October 12th, 2011

I like G+ and I cannot lie! You other bloggers can’t deny. When a social network shows up with an itty-bitty user base and some circles in your face you get sprung…from Facebook.

Oh my god, Becky. The hype about G+ is so big. Everyone’s all like ‘It’s the Facebook killer! No wait, it’s the Twitter killer! It’s super cool! No wait, it’s lame and it’s going to fail.’ Wrong! G+ is the best blog aggregator you aren’t using. Let’s rewind, shall we, to early July. Once the initial euphoria of having scored a G+ invite wore off, I realized my Stream was not unlike the crowd at Spinal Tap’s Jazz Odyssey concert. After a few days of little to no new content, I did something I’d never done before: I circled a stranger.

Part of the fun of G+ is seeing what all these experts have to say about the state of tech and social networking, it’s even more interesting to see them debate among themselves as they try to figure out where social media is moving and why. There’s Tom from Myspace offering up some first-hand insight on the social media wars. There’s Robert Scoble getting into G+ beefs with Kevin Rose from Digg.com. There’s Vic Gundotra from Google keeping us up-to-date on what’s going on with our favorite Google products. There’s Gina Trapani founding editor of Lifehacker.com sharing her personal development projects.

Think it doesn’t feel like a blog? Think again, people. Days after G+ launched Kevin Rose abandoned his blog and directed it to his G+ page. And as of today, you can now crosspost from G+ to your WordPress blog. It may not be there yet, but I’m calling it now. This is where G+ is heading.

And while we’re on the subject about the future of G+, let’s talk about what happened this weekend. The Dalai Lama and the Archbishop Desmond Tutu held an On-Air Hangout. Mull that one over for a minute. Two renowned spiritual leaders, both over the age of 75, joined G+ so they could broadcast a conversation and anyone on G+ could watch (provided you were awake at 4am eastern). Just a tad more interesting than say a hangout with Will.i.am.

Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu

Photo credit: Tibet Today

So why this weekend? Why G+? Here’s the story: It’s Desmond Tutu’s 80th birthday, of course his BFF the Dalai Lama is invited and of course he’s going. But South Africa is afraid if they let the Dalai Lama come over for the birthday party China is going to get mad, so there’s no visa for the Dalai Lama. G+ to the rescue! All of a sudden anyone on G+ can watch these two amazing people talk live. Kind of amazing what social networking is doing these days, eh?

G+ is still ridiculously young, so trying to figure out what it is or isn’t going to be is like asking a room full of three year olds what career they’re going to have when they’re 40 (paleontologist!). It’s fun to speculate, but not something you’d exactly put money on. In a lot of ways, even Facebook doesn’t know it’s going to be yet (remember Facebook email?) and it’s more grown up than just about any other social network. Everyone is still trying to figure out where all of the different social networking options fit into the digital space and how all of this fits into our personal and professional lives. And if “everyone” includes the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu along with the likes of Snoop Dogg and Tom from Myspace, well that’s just fine by me.

Blog-ception: Word to Your Mother

Friday, July 22nd, 2011

Another day, another blog post I wrote for work. Hooray for reposts!

“Words are not much valued on the Internet, perhaps because it features so many of them.” So says the New York Times in a quote I took somewhat out of context. The Gray Lady, of course, has spent nearly a decade trying to navigate the relationship of words and the Web (not to mention how you actually manage to make money off them). While newspapers and other publications haven’t fared so well on this front, there are a number of companies who have figured out how to make words pay. It turns out, when you have a distinct, recognizable brand voice and you match it with copy people actually want to read, it’s suddenly a lot easier to sell them a garage door opener or half-priced yoga sessions.

Exhibit A: Groupon. The NYT recently did a lengthy feature on the firm, and for once it wasn’t about Groupon’s ethics or rumors of an upcoming IPO. This time the NYT took a look at what makes Groupon, Groupon: its brand voice. While there are plenty of deal-a-day sites out there, Groupon has impressed its URL upon the American psyche due in part to its distinctive way with words. And that’s no accident. In fact, it’s part of their strategy. The firm gives potential hires a multiple choice quiz so they can weed out the applicants with impeccable grammar but limited potential for picking up the firm’s Voice (with a capital V). With more than 400 writers and editors, Groupon’s Voice isn’t so much a natural outcome of the personalities of its writers as it is a manifestation of a well-defined, well-executed playbook. It’s not something they use to tell you about their brand. It is their brand.

Some would argue that Groupon’s Voice is actually a suburbanized knock-off of deal-a-day bargain site Woot.com. Founded years before Groupon hit the interwebs, Woot is famous among nerd types for their irreverent, often story-like product descriptions and their special brand of brutal honesty, captured in their legendary “World’s Crappiest Projector” write up.

Woot’s brand voice not only perfectly captures its brand personality, but it permeates everything they do. When Amazon purchased the company in 2010, Founder and CEO, Matt Rutledge, delivered this epistle which was quickly dubbed the Best. Company. Memo. Ever. by the Internet.

Think about it. When was the last time a company memo made its way around the blogosphere not for saying something stupid or embarrassing, but for being awesome? It may not seem like a big deal, but when your product line varies from the must-have (flat screen TVs) to the ho-hum (a two-pack of pliers), there has to be some thread that can tie it all together. People may not know what deal Woot or Goupon are offering on any given day, but because of their distinct brand voices, people know exactly what to expect when they visit these sites. In fact, it might be one of the reasons that draws them there in the first place.

This all goes to show that words DO matter on the Web–no matter how hard it is to find a grammatically correct sentence or spelling that at least hints at a high school education. When copy is written well and reflects or, better yet, defines a firm’s brand personality, people actually notice. Better yet, they actually read.

Now, if only we could get people to pay for journalism, then we’d really be on to something.